What do you do if your husband is caught in an emotional affair? Do you write off the marriage? Do you get angry and bitter and let everyone, including your husband know it?
God has provided for your husband’s complete sanctification and deliverance from temptation through you, his wife. You must face the facts ~ life is not fair. Marriage is not fair.
If your husband is caught in an emotional affair….
Obviously, he doesn’t feel the shame that you do. He is motivated by baser instincts and drives. Yes, he is wrong, but your response…can lead to the destruction of your marriage. You can rear up in rage and indignation; you can stand on your rights and stand on truth, but it won’t save your marriage. When you have lost your husband and are alone….You can always know that you stood on principle, you called him out, and you didn’t allow him to humiliate you and play the hypocrite. You called his hand. There he will be, living in sin with that other woman, and you, the righteous one, will still be standing for your rights ~ but sleeping alone.
I am not suggesting that this is your fault, that you are the cause of your husband’s sin. I am just warning you that if you really, honestly want to win your husband back to yourself, you must change you game plan. Face it: you have a competitor. She is your rival, the enemy of your heart’s desire. Your negative responses are not going to make your carnal husband suddenly be the mature man who does what he ought. My husband says, “No man has ever crawled out from under his wife’s criticism to be a better man ~ no matter how justified her condemnation.
Your husband will never be pressured into loving you, even if you are his wife. He will never leave a smiling secretary to come home to a frowning wife. You cannot be pitiful enough to force him to love you.
You can win if you are willing to lose your pride. Your husband is going to love what is lovely to him. You must be more lovely than she.
Never demand that a man love you and cherish you because he ought to. Earn every smile and shared moment. Cultivate his love for you. It is in your best interest to learn to use feminine wiles. A woman holds her man with the fragile threads of adoration, thankfulness, delight, and just plain fun. He needs to hear gladness and appreciation in your voice when you speak to him, even when you are talking of every day things. He needs this as much as, or perhaps more than, sexual release.
I love to watch the movie “A Coal Miner’s Daughter” and the lyrics from her song “You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man” encourage us in this situation! “Women like you are a dime a dozen; you can buy them anywhere. For you to get him, I’ve got to move over, and I’m gonna stand right here.”
Just remember, you are fighting a woman who is in the dime-a-dozen class. They are everywhere, ready to steal away the heart of the man who feels uncared for and unappreciated. The tool of your warfare is your loving, kind, delightful, radiant, adoring self.
A man will appreciate and be attracted to a woman who cares enough to fight for her man.
So what should/could you do to win back the heart of your man?
Write love notes he will find when he gets to the office. Don’t ride him with suspicion. Don’t play detective and follow him around. But do call his work with a giggle in your voice, and give him fair warning that you expect “some loving” when he gets home then giggle and ask him if he is blushing. Once or twice a month, show up at work during lunchtime for a brief unexpected visit. Make sure you are looking radiant and delightfully in love. Your very sweetness and thankfulness toward you man will make that cheap office hussy feel she is beneath your class. And your “innocence” and confidence will cause all the men in the office to be angry at “the woman” for her underhanded advances. It will fortify your husband’s spirit.
Be creative and aggressive in your private, intimate times. Keep him drained at home so he won’t have any sexual need at work. If you feed him well, emotionally and sexually, her cooking won’t tempt him. God is on your side. Fight and win.
~~Homework~~
What can I can do to keep him happy at home? Happy with me?
**Remember all text in Italics in this series are the words of Debi Pearl, from her book “Created to be His Help Meet”
Previous Posts in this Series
Introduction Once Upon A Time Mr. Right? God Hasn’t Changed His Mind A Merry Heart
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Ashley
September 3, 2012 at 6:46 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Hello to you! Great post!
simplyhelpinghim
September 4, 2012 at 6:32 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Thanks for stoppin by! Hello back! Blessings!
Beth
September 3, 2012 at 12:22 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I certainly feel that condemnation should not be how we deal with anyone’s sin against us and I appreciate your highlighting of that. But I’m not certain I would turn a blind eye to any “emotional affair” that may be going on. I would not want to face this kind of marriage crisis on my own. I would go to a good Christian counselor first and ask my husband to join me. I would be loving and forgiving, but not run after him with my love as long as he’s not choosing to deal with his wandering heart. I get what you are trying to say, but feel there are a lot of issues that make this kind of situation complex and maybe too painful to just “leave love notes” or tell him to “expect some loving.”
simplyhelpinghim
September 4, 2012 at 6:32 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
It is only by God’s strength and His mercy that you would be able to continue to pursue through the pain. Speaking with your Pastor and/or counselor is something that definitely could be beneficial, but not always necessary. God alone can do anything, I have seen and known this to be true in my life. Sometimes it is not 100% the husbands fault that they are caught in this position, it is then that the wife needs to step up and change her game plan for sure! I hope this makes sense? Blessings!
Trisha
September 7, 2012 at 3:37 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I need to agree here. The advice given in this segment is not only foolish, but it is not Biblically based. A man or woman in an adulterous situation (be it an affair, emotional affair, pornography addiction, etc.) is not to be manipulated into loving their spouse. This does not get to the heart of the problem! The scripture calls us to rebuke one another (Matthew 18, 1 Timothy 5:20, James 5:20, etc). We don’t rebuke out of a sense of self-righteousness. Christ has already deemed this a sin and we are helping to restore our spouse to righteousness. In dealing with women in these types of situations it is OFTEN necessary to involve mature Christian leaders in the local church. When a spouse is unrepentant and continung in these types of sins often church discipline (see 1 Corinthians 5). Ongoing sin, particularly when it involves disrespect of the union God says is to mirror christs relationship to the church, is serious and as such this sin ought to be taken seriously. An emotional affair or otherwise, ought not be glossed over, but called what it is – sin against the spouse and sin against God.
simplyhelpinghim
September 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
In no way do I think that a wife should be “manipulated” into loving their spouse. I do however believe that when a woman takes the stance of being resentful and disrespectful in this situation, that is not love as Christ would have us show. I do agree that sin is sin, and must be called as such. It is partly the wife’s actions that can help make or break the marriage. If the wife chooses the high road, loving her husband and knowing that he is a sinner just as she is, then the marriage could be saved. Counseling is a great and wonderful tool, but if one or both parties are not going to agree to it, I have seen in my own marriage/life that God is able! He can still work miracles! 1 Peter 3:1 “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives”
Trisha
September 7, 2012 at 6:05 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I wasn’t trying to say a wife was manipulated into loving her husband, but that the tactics that Ms. Pearl suggests women employee seem to be very manipulative. Again, simply using these ploys does not get at the heart of the reason for marital discord and a husbands (or wife’s) sinful behavior.
I would never suggest that being resentful and sowing discord is a good way to react. Maybe I am not understanding Ms Pearl, but it seems she is saying you are to ignore the huge problem pretending it didn’t happen. You are to instead leave love notes call him giggly at work and use your feminine wiles to manipulate him back to you? This does not help the husband or wife! Where does she talk about confronting the husband lovingly?
Also, I think it should be noted that one reason it’s important for this to be addressed is because the husband SHOULD feel shame (helping him save face, does him no favors). I know shame can get bad press and it’s not right for wives to hold grudges and be vindictive. It does a husband no good to guard him from seeing how his sinful actions impact others.
If the apostle Paul supported the tactics of Ms Pearl he would have told the wife of the husband who was sleeping with his step mother (1 Corinthians 5) that she needed to be cute and giggly and work harder to win her husband back. Instead, Paul exhorts the church to excercise disciplinary measures toward the husband.
Reading what Ms Pearl says on 1 Peter 3, it appears as if she zeroes in on only this passage of scripture, neglecting many other relative passages throughout the Bible. 1 Peter 3 is relevant, but so are many other scriptures.
I’m not trying to be difficult, I simply cannot understand this line of reasoning!
simplyhelpinghim
September 7, 2012 at 6:19 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
In the book, there is a letter sent in from a woman sent to Mrs. Pearl. It is from that letter that this topic is covered.
The husband is not what this book is about, it is about the wife. She is the one being advised.
We as women are to be helpmeets to our husbands, we are not to be his judge or jury. That is the Lord’s job. Yes, he should feel shame, but possibly he might not. That does not change how we are called to be toward our husbands. God is responsible for convicting, judging and dealing with the husband in question. Our job is to be Christ-like; loving, forgiving, kind, etc.
If a husband is found in this error, then I do not believe all men would be open to counseling, nor would they be going to or serving in the church. Thus the disciplinary measures toward the husband wouldn’t be what would change things, in most instances. If he is not open to these things, then Mrs. Pearl’s advice is a way to start, counseling could be sought as well for the wife or husband wronged, should the other party not be “for” it.
It is not a topic easy to cover, it has difficulties and complexities. There are so many different scenarios that it is hard to cover them all.
Becca
September 3, 2012 at 11:12 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Thanks for sharing that wisdom. That stuff makes sense. I like how the husband shared his wisdom, that husbands don’t become better men through their wives criticism. Good stuff for me to keep in mind for when I’m married one day.
Found your post via Hear it on Sunday… Use it on Monday.
simplyhelpinghim
September 4, 2012 at 6:29 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Yes, criticizing will not keep your man’s heart with you. Being in prayer is key always in marriage, that God will continue to grow you together and keep you both strong! Blessings!
Mindy @ New Equus - A New Creation
September 3, 2012 at 9:12 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
This is great Misty. It’s like the old adage…you catch more flys with honey than vinegar! 🙂 Not always and instinctual thing, though.
simplyhelpinghim
September 4, 2012 at 6:28 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
So true! I love that adage! 🙂 Blessings!
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